5 things for friday
an epiphany of sorts. plus: a brand new serial podcast, WTF is wrong with prince charles, insanely good chocolate cake, and more
happy friday, friends.
i made a decision today (which, as of this writing, is thursday). i decided that next week, for an entire 5 days, i am not going to go on linkedin. i am not going to actively search for a new corporate job. i am, instead, going to put all my energy and effort and passion into my own work: a third draft of book one, which i am hopeful is close to being ready to query (the first “real” step of seeing if i can get this baby published), as well as the first draft i’ve been writing for book two, which is astoundingly different from book one, wildly impractical and overly ambitious and holy shit what if i can’t pull it off? what if i can?
when i left my job in february, i felt certain that by april, i’d have a new full time gig. i had done the hard thing, ripped the bandaid, grieved the loss of leaving a place at which i once thought i’d stay forever. i didn’t think it would be easy to find a new job, but i also didn’t think it would be this hard. applying into the abyss for the last month or so has done a number on my faith in myself (as it would anyone, i think), and so i am giving myself a break. not a break from working—because, as a friend so kindly put it last sunday, “are you resting at all?” (no, friends. the answer is no, not really, unless you count baking as resting)—but a break from working towards a new corporate job.
it’s just a week. but it’s a week in which i’ll be focusing on the thing i do still believe, deep down, that i am good at: writing.
for the last four years, my little workspace has been marked by not one but two screens: my 13” laptop, and my giant monitor. after all, a second screen is necessary when you’re on microsoft teams all day long, while also trying to keep your inbox at zero, while also trying to write and to review things other people have written.
it’s less necessary when all you’re doing is making shit up in your head and typing it out in a word doc.
so today, i took my monitor down. i wrapped up the cords and stuffed them in a drawer, and stuck the monitor itself under my bed. and all of a sudden, i felt—just a little bit—like i could breathe again. like there was space for my goals, for the big dreams i don’t dare say aloud. room for my ideas to find their way to the (proverbial) page.
i taped up the plot points i sketched out the other day while sipping a latte at my favorite coffee shop, so that i can be reminded of them when i lose the thread. i added a small vase of purple tulips, and the vintage calendario i bought at a flea market in mexico city, the one that would have been 200 pesos more, had i not had a mexican native standing by my side, ready and willing to haggle for me (thank you, fernando!). i propped up a copy of jami attenberg’s 1000 words, a love letter to the craft of writing and the act of doing the damn thing. a book i have been reading slowly, savoring like a treat. a book that, in the very first chapter, reminds me of what the little voice in my head has been telling me all along: i write because i believe in myself, and that i have something worth saying.
i don’t know if book one will ever get published. i don’t know when i’ll get a new job. i don’t know anything, really, about what my future holds. but we never really do, right? we never actually know what tomorrow might bring. we know what we think is ahead, we follow the steps set out for us, or the steps we ourselves have created. but we do all that with a sort of blind faith that tomorrow will be like today, which was like yesterday, and the day before that. and the truth is, on any given day, our lives could change.
so, sure, i cried my eyes out at therapy on tuesday night after getting a (perfectly kind!) rejection message on linkedin that said i didn’t have the skillset the team was looking for, despite more than meeting every single bullet of the job description. and sure, i eye my inbox with something like hunger, begging the universe to send me good news.
but also: i will never get this time back. for all i know, this is the only stretch of time i will have to attempt to write not one but two novels. to commit to my writing wholeheartedly—and by that i mean, with my whole damn heart.
and so i am giving myself one week. one week of believing (or perhaps, pretending, so that i may one day believe!) that it will all work out the way it is supposed to. one week of shutting down the dark, anxious pit that forms in my stomach every time i type linkedin.com into my browser window, or send another message, or hit ‘submit’ on another application. one week of turning, instead, to the thing that makes me feel free, and proud, and full of life: my writing. the stories i tell myself in my brain all day long, made manifest on the page.
i cannot will a new job into materializing. unless, that is, i write it for myself.
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do you remember the very first season of serial? i do, because it was the first podcast i ever listened to, way back in (gasp!) 2014. the show, which centered around the case of adnan syed, a man serving a life sentence in a maryland prison for a crime he swore he had not committed, was somewhat of an experiment. it was long-form, non-fiction storytelling, a true crime story that invited listeners to parse the evidence for themselves, to decide whether they thought syed was guilty (i will not spoil this for you if you haven’t listened, but…literally how have you not listened?!). serial rocketed podcasting into the cultural mainstream, and went on to win a peabody award—the first podcast ever to do so.
in 2020, they were bought by the NYT, and released an additional two seasons, both of which i highly recomemnd. now, they’re back with an all-new season 4 centered around guantánamo bay—or, as many of those who worked their called it, gitmo—one of the most notorious prisons in the world. there are 3 episodes live as of the time of writing, and man, are they fantastic. they will make you feel some type of way about what our country did post 9/11, but they are good, and worth a listen. as always, the serial team pulls no punches in their reporting, nor in their storytelling. all hail sarah koenig and team.
i’m nearly done with this book, which i’m reading for book club, and…am i allowed to say i both adore it and hate it all at once? actually, i’ll rephrase: i think the writing and the character development are excellent. the book feels wholly original, and—thanks to first person narration—like being dropped into someone else’s brain. but man, is it tough to read. you know that moment in a thriller when the scary music comes in? usually it’s a sort of low hum, then a screeching violin, then BOOM the murderer yanks back the shower curtain or emerges from behind the tree or springs out from the closet? that build up is how this entire book feels to me, thus far. it’s just…a study in anxiety, and stress, and anticipation (but not the good kind of anticipation). in some ways, it reminds me of the guest by emma cline, which i also struggled with. not because it wasn’t good—it was—but because i felt stressed reading it.
such is the case here, too. thankfully, this book is also punctuated with some genuinely funny moments, some truly beautiful friendships, and a really accurate portrayal of what it’s like to enter the working world as a brand new adult post-college. i think the very best fiction drops you into a world entirely unlike your own, and this book is doing that for me in oh so many ways. i cannot wait to hear what my fellow book clubbers think of it.
ps: if you’re a big reader, follow me on goodreads! i try and rank/save every book i read (and i read about 50-60 a year!)
despite my best efforts to watching something else, i remain entranced by the crown. as of last night, i’ve just finished season 4, the season in which charles meets diana, and then proceeds to berate and humiliate and degrade her for years. YEARS! i have said this before, but before beginning this show, i had very little interest in or knowledge of the royal family overall. which meant that although i knew that charles and diana ultimately split up, and that they were unhappy, i’d no idea that he quite literally married her WHILE HE WAS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE! that a day before their wedding, she found a bracelet he’d had made for THE OTHER WOMAN, went to the queen about it, and was told to MARRY HIM ANYWAY. i hope these caps illustrate for you just how often i have screamed at my television over the last 10 episodes. charles is horrible, infuriating, and…GOD. i just…THE MEN. WHY ARE THE MEN SO BAD?!?
emma corrin plays diana with such courage and such heart. you can really feel the way charles broke her, little by little, moment by moment, word by word. the way he gaslights her into believing the dissolution of their relationship is somehow her fault, not his (despite the fact that he’s been cheating on her for the entirety of their marriage!). the way he talks down to her, minimizes her accomplishments, makes her feel silly and inconsequential…it is horrible. i hope that man struggles to sleep at night, i really do.
i’ve been finding great comfort in baking over the last few weeks, as you may have noticed thanks to the proliferation of sweet things popping up on my instagram stories. above is the latest adventure: a chocolate sheet cake which i tested out as a potential birthday option for my friend katie. it’s a smitten kitchen recipe, and—like every smitten kitchen recipe—it is a banger. deb calls it the “i want chocolate cake” cake, and i’d say that’s accurate. it’s relatively easy to whip up, made (mostly) in a single bowl, and bakes up in under 40 minutes. win, win, win. i’m not even remotely ashamed to say that i devoured nearly all of this 9 x 9 square over the course of a week (i had to make sure it was really, really good!!), and am thrilled to report that i made a second batch (for said birthday celebration) this morning, and it came out chef’s kiss perfect, just like the first.
FWIW: if you happened to make the carrot cake i shared here—whether for easter or for shits and giggles—and have leftover chai-spiced buttercream, i reckon that would be an excellent topper to this recipe, too.
last week, while i was getting my periwinkle mani, i noticed the woman next to me was getting some seriously fun nail art. it’s been a minute since i dabbled in any sort of nail design—i admire them on others but can never pull the trigger when i’m at the salon—but ever since i saw her adorable little cherries, i haven’t been able to stop thinking about them. or, more accurately, i haven’t been able to stop thinking about what kind of fun nail art i would get, if i were a nail art person. enter: deco beauty, which i found after doing a serious deep dive on nail stickers (yes! nail stickers!) over the weekend. for $10-12, you can get a WHOLE DAMN SHEET of cuteness. i got it in my head that i really wanted some daisies on my fingers (maybe i just really want actual spring?!), so i ordered this set, along with this one (strawberries!). i cannot wait for them to arrive!
and that, friends, is where i leave you. if you like this post, it would mean the world to me if you’d hit the little heart icon, as well as consider sharing it with your network—so that the grand weekly can be seen by more people.
LinkedIn is hell.
I'm in the same boat as you and have been on the hunt since February. I've been the "runner up" candidate TWICE which is somehow worse? However, I also took a step back from spending all of my time on finding a new job and it was so helpful to focus on my own growth.
Also, highly suggest trying out the 7 types of rest: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/nov/25/the-seven-types-of-rest-i-spent-a-week-trying-them-all-could-they-help-end-my-exhaustion
I recently became a paid subscriber to your Substack because I was really interested in the post you wrote about quitting your job, to be honest I don’t even know how I came across it. It was refreshing to read your authentic vulnerability, and to see someone actually take the leap of faith! I’ve really enjoyed reading what you write, and if you ever wanted another beta reader for your book I would love to read it!