5 things for friday
the inimitable bonnie raitt, an unputdownable book, the lemon bars you've got to try (with one major tweak) + more
happy friday, friends.
last week, i said i’d committed to giving myself this week to work on my writing, and my writing only. and while i haven’t fully succeeded in avoiding linkedin, i did spend much of the week heads down, with my big noise-cancelling headphones + this focus playlist on, working on a draft 3 that i felt good about. and while this changes day to day (such is the creative process!), as of today, i do, in fact, feel pretty darn good about it. it feels wild to think that way back in august, i opened a blank word document and just started typing, that 3ish months later, i had a solid first draft. that a few months after that, i had a second draft, and then a third. now, i begin the terrifying process of querying, aka, searching for an agent, and by virtue of doing so, opening myself up to the very real possibility that there is no one who will want to publish this thing i’ve put my heart and soul into for nearly 9 months. but hey, a girl can dream!
all that said, man did it feel good not to spend so much time on linkedin this week. my overall mood was lighter, my outlook more positive. i feel like the vice that’s been pressing down on me for the past few weeks has lifted, like i can breathe again.
on wednesday night, i saw my old team for dinner. that morning, i texted hannah (my former art partner; i always feel like i have to qualify this but i also imagine those of you that have been reading for a while know who she is!) that i was feeling a bit anxious about it. i was worried that i had nothing to “show” for my time off thus far, that i hadn’t gotten a new job or achieved anything exciting, really. she kindly reminded me that no one expects me to “have” anything—that they just hope i’m taking care of myself, resting, and maximizing the downtime.
working closely with a team in a role like mine, there’s a bit of a fear that you’ll be lost and forgotten once you’ve gone (just me?), and i’ll admit there was a tiny part of me that felt like i’d just sort of…faded into the abyss, never to be heard from again. and that the slow fade meant that what we’d had as a little creative crew hadn’t been special.
hannah was right, of course. i arrived at dinner and was delighted to find that fear had just been my anxiety talking. we picked up right where we’d left off, trading stories and ordering wine and then more wine and all of the apps.
it’s hard to close a door on a chapter, especially a chapter as long as this one was—but seeing them reminded me that it can be both: i can grieve closing one door, and hold cautious excitement all the potential doors to come.
giving myself that tiny bit of mental space back this week enabled me to see things a little more clearly. instead of being mired in the fear, i’ve been able to hold space for the happiness i’ve felt—the happiness i feel—having left something that no longer served me. this week felt like the first in which i truly leaned into the idea of having a bit of time off to myself in a real way. i read not one but two books. i watched hours upon hours of ripley (more on that below!). i tested wallpapers in my bathroom, and went on long walks, and longer runs. i cooked and baked up a storm, and didn’t feel the pressure to be doing something more than that. this was the first week in which i (mostly) did just two things: write (and edit!) and let myself be. and it felt really good.
it’s easy, in a capitalist society, to feel that there’s something inherently wrong with rest. and look, compared to many, i rest quite a bit. i live alone, i answer to no one but myself and my cat, i don’t have children or family to look after. but i am not particularly good at truly resting. i feel this inner pressure to do something at all times. as evidenced by the story above, i feel pressure—self-imposed pressure, to be clear—to make something of this time i have given myself.
the wild thing is, if i step outside myself and my anxious brain for just a moment, i realize: i do have something to show for it. i have a fully formed novel ready to query (or at least, so i hope!), and another one loosely outlined and 1/3 of the way written. this is not nothing! it’s okay if the rest of my days are spent cooking, and eating, and exercising, and reading. i don’t have to be productive for every damn hour of the day.
this week marks the first week in which i haven’t just said this to myself—i’ve actually started to let the idea seep into my bones. as a result, i’m sleeping better, eating better, and feeling better than i have in weeks. take from that what you will, but to me, it’s a sign. a sign that even if i don’t know where i’m headed, or what door will open next, i am walking in the right direction.
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i was thrilled to see that julia louis-dreyfus’ podcast, wiser than me, was back for a second season. and even more thrilled to see that bonnie raitt was featured in the second episode (sally field was the first!). the concept of the pod is that julia talks to women older and wiser than her—about their lives, their work experience, their relationships. and then, at the end, she calls her mom. in the bonnie ep, they talk about how internal validation feels oh so different from external, about grief, and about the songwriting process. towards the end, julia gets emotional, and then bonnie gets emotional, and then it’s just a whole mess of emotions around meeting your heroes.
after finishing all this could be different, i needed something lighter. and by lighter i mean i was craving a thriller, and my goodness, did this one fit the bill. i flew through it in a span of 3 days (really, just 3 nights), staying up way too late to finish it. after lucy is found wandering the streets of her texas hometown, covered in her best friend’s savvy’s blood, everyone assumes the worst: that she’s the one that killed her. and lucy, who can’t remember anything about the night before, doesn’t believe she could’ve done it—but also has no evidence that she didn’t.
when the book opens, lucy has left texas behind, moved to LA to start a new life. except that new life is plagued by a voice in her head that, every so often, will taunt her with two words: let’s kill…and lucy remains convinced that perhaps, she did just that. so when ben owens, host of the popular listen for the lie podcast, decides to make savvy’s murder his next investigation, lucy decides not just to return home, but to help ben find the truth. even if it means incriminating herself.
ps: if you’re a big reader, follow me on goodreads! i try and rank/save every book i read (and i read about 50-60 a year!)
well friends, i did it! i found something to watch other than the crown. i didn’t know much about ripley before i started watching it, beyond that it was, like the beloved 1999 film starring gwyneth paltrow and jude law, an adaptation of patricia highsmith’s novel. i’m glad i went in blind, because it allowed me to soak up the show in all of its miraculous beauty, and my god, it is beautiful. it’s shot entirely in black and white, all the better to suit andrew scott’s layered, nuanced portrayal of ripley. i did not watch fleabag (i know, i know!), and so i don’t know scott as “hot priest”—which meant i’ve gone in doubly blind, and been doubly impressed by his ability to bring ripley to life.
struck by the cinematography of the show, i did a bit of googling, and was delighted to find that both the screenwriter/director and the DP are oscar winners. the former, stephen zaillian, won for writing schindler’s list, the latter, robert elswit, won for cinematography on there will be blood. together, the two have created a show that feels almost hitchock-ian, classic noir at its best. it’s dreamy and tense and worth savoring.
if i haven’t convinced you to watch, this NPR review should.
a couple of weeks ago, my friend jen DM’ed me this lemon bar recipe, and said something along the lines of, “i want you to make these, and tell me whether they’re worth it.” because i have both an abundance of time and an abundance of patience when it comes to baked goods, i took her up on the challenge. i’ve never successfully made meringue before (humidity can reallllly screw you on that front!), so i nearly gave up when my egg whites were decidedly not getting peak-y. before i threw in the towel, i turned the mixer all the way up, and gave it 5 more minutes. and voila! i had meringue. i was feeling really good about the recipe, and honestly, about my meringue-making abilities. and then i let these cool, and attempted to cut them into squares.
and all the meringue slid right off.
not only that, but i quickly realized the meringue had made the lemon curd portion almost…sweaty?! there was a weird condensation thing going on that i could not get behind. determined not to let an entire batch of bars go to waste, i tossed all the meringue, patted the tops of my little lemon bar babies with a paper towel, and realized they were so much better kept simple.
so! my verdict is this: make the bars. just don’t bother with the meringue. the poppy seed crust is excellent, the lemon curd is perfection, but the meringue? the meringue is just meh.
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i was SO excited for these sunglasses to arrive. i saw them on urban’s site, saw that they were $10, fell in love with the wavy shape, and hit add to cart so fast. they arrived today, and friends, when i tell you i looked like an insect…like, hi, it’s me, star of a bug’s life. i’m keeping them for a handful of days, just in case i decide i don’t really care if i look like a bug in public, but…sometimes you get it right, and sometimes you get it very wrong, ha.
on the off chance you think you’ll look genuinely cute in these, or are perfectly happy to look a lil bit insect-y (more power to you, if so!), you can snag them below.
and that, friends, is where i leave you. if you like this post, it would mean the world to me if you’d hit the little heart icon, as well as consider sharing it with your network—so that the grand weekly can be seen by more people.
Always a good read. Sending all the positive vibes to the publishing powers that be for your novel to find its way into our homes and hearts. My daughter took the plunge and walked away from a job that she loved and had long term hopes for. She did it for her sanity and self worth and I couldn’t be more proud of her for it. Thank you for sharing your journey. It helps knowing we are not alone in dealing with the challenges life offers up. Hope you have a great weekend.
I am going to throw the “and what if someone does want to represent me… what if I can” back at you from last week. Agree on merengue and will be reading the book… the rec and of course yours when it is published. Thank you for a beautiful start to my Friday. I look forward to this in the same way I looked forward to the og serial podcast.